So You Might Be A Star Seed

tambourine
Holding the Keys to the Universe Since 1977.

I admit, I’m being a little too research-intensive for a 4th of July weekend, but it’s helping me keep focused on something positive. Ever have that? Such a constant flux of negativity that you have to FORCE something positive to engage in? Sad.

wp-1467496084097.jpgAnyways, this weekend I’m going the phenomenological route by visiting the work of R.D. Laing, and then the metaphysical route by visiting rando blogs and websites with 1st person accounts of metaphysical being-in-this-world. I tumbled across a members-only forum for ‘light workers, star seeds, and indigos’, to which I wondered, what and what?

To the search engine, to enter the lame question, and came across this helpful article at Gaia.com. I know you like to skim down to the meat ‘n’ taters of the article, so I’ve done it for you! Do read the full link if you, like me, go through this list going, “Yup, yup…uh huh, yup…yuuuup…”

While you do that, I’m looking up “indigos.”

😀

STARSEED CHARACTERISTICS

  1. From a young age, you have had an inherent wisdom that usually comes later in life for other people.
  2. You’ve been told you’re an old soul and you agree. You feel ancient to the core.
  3. No matter where you are, you always have a feeling of homesickness. You know what home feels like, even if you can’t express it, and you know that your house is not it. This may even lead to depression in some cases.
  4. Even as a child, you have always felt different. As though you are unique and others cannot understand you.
  5. You feel divided from the world — As if it is a constant battle of “them” vs. “you.”
  6. You often feel morally superior to others, regardless of education or social stature.
  7. Your sense of empathy is overwhelming. You feel different from those around you, however, you have a natural inclination to relate to their struggles.
  8. Your physical body is an enigma to doctors. It functions differently than everyone else’s and the medical world struggles to understand it. This may manifest itself in ways as small as a lower than average body temperature or inability to withstand heat.
  9. You are incredibly intelligent but bored easily by traditional academics.
  10. You have had a paranormal or psychic experience. You may have seen a ghost, heard other’s thoughts, had dreams that became reality, etc.
  11. You feel as though you have a purpose or mission to fulfill, but struggle to find what you want to do with your life. You lack the passion or intrigue to truly devote yourself to one area and understand the banality of life.
  12. The physical limitations of your body often frustrate you. You feel as though you should be able to do more but are vexed by your restrictions. This is because Starseeds remember far more freedom in their physical form.
  13. Your dreams are vivid and exceptional, and waking life never seems to measure up. Often, your dreams will seem other worldly — as though your mind has created a completely separate universe.
  14. Others are often wary of you or feel uncomfortable in your presence. People instinctually know that you are different, but struggle to verbalize why. You may even feel isolated within your own family.
  15. You have very few friends, but those who are seem to understand you without need of explanation.
  16. Animals trust you and are naturally drawn to you. You understand them to the point that it feels as though you can communicate.
  17. The same is true for babies and small children. They find you fascinating and seem mesmerized in your presence.
  18. You can feel who people are without them ever saying a word. You see beyond the external façade and instinctually know when they are lying.
  19. You may seem rude in conversations because you know what the other person is going to say before they’ve even started. People think you are disinterested, when in reality you are frustrated by the pace of the conversation.
  20. You are interested in spirituality but see the divine beyond books and religion. You may not be able to put it into words, but you have a deep understanding that spirituality has always been an intrinsic part of you.
  21. You are drawn to metaphysics and the science behind other worlds.
  22. From a young age, you questioned the ways of society and still feel perplexed as to how other’s don’t see its mistakes.
  23. Though your dreams are exceptional, you’ve always had trouble sleeping.
  24. You have a natural ability to make others feel better – whether through medicine or your words. Strangers will often open up about their problems without even realizing it.
  25. People’s first impression of you is often aloof or cold, however, one they get to know you they consider you to be one of the most loving people that they know.
  26. You avoid large crowds and find it hard to handle people in large doses — even friends. To you, people are overwhelming and their emotions and actions seem chaotic.
  27. You have an ability to emotionally or spiritually grow much faster than those around you. Your sense of morality keeps you grounded, even when presented with emotions that are difficult for others to handle.

– See more at: http://www.gaia.com/article/are-you-starseed#sthash.JAxwrFUF.dpuf

 

 

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We Need To Talk About Von

Six months have passed. Time for my treatment plan review.

Weneedtotalkaboutkevin_lens-views
Courtesy: lens-views.com

The opening visit was with my therapist. I swear, he’s going to write a book with all the one-liners I toss at him, describing my foray into socialization and the ensuing, consistent failures. I rarely get in to see him; he’s got 130 clients besides me, so when I do get to scratch out a 45-minute session, it’s usually me updating him on the latest and greatest, and, by the time all that’s unfurled – DING! – time’s up. We never discuss the whys, just that these things happen. It feels more like going to confession than experiencing healing. Absolve my sins, send me off with 50 Hail Marys. He’s a genuinely good person, and we do maximize our short time, but I don’t think therapy really helps if it can’t be consistent.

Leaving his office, I’m confronted by a cat caller on crutches, of all audacity. He receives my snub, but then gets loud with me. I swing back around, point my finger in his face and growl, “GET AWAY FROM ME.” Normally, this sends the offender on his way, but he decided to give chase, and I, like the seam of Iggy Azalea’s pants, just rip open.

Head over to the ‘med management’ portion of my review, and the technician checks my pulse, blood pressure and weight. The good news is, I’ve lost five pounds since my last visit, and my BMI has simmered down to 26.5. My pulse and blood pressure present her with concern, pulse too low, pressure too high, usually what happens when I’m about to go full rage. Fortunately, the next visit is with the psychiatrist, and I feel her witnessing me in this state will actually help the conversation we need to have: I’m not responding well to her prescriptions.

My therapist and psychiatrist tend to use the word ‘outlier’ a lot when I’m visiting with them, and I concede I am that. Any kind of chemical in my body, even at super low dose, I experience the known side effects. This last round of meds, Latuda, had me hunched over the toilet bowl, feeling clammy and shivery, unable to drive or even walk my dog. She had me on the pre-therapeutic dose! For those of you keeping score, that’s Latuda, Lamictal, Lithium, and hydroxyzine within the last six months. My body can’t deal with either of ’em.

I actually felt bad sitting across from my psychiatrist. I really wanted to come in and report I was doing fine, the meds were fine, I am safely incorporating myself into society, alles klar. She shared that she felt terrible that my body was responding negatively in low doses. This is where I decided to insert a question: are there options for alternative medicines, maybe things of natural origin? She mentioned St John’s Wort for depression and something else for anxiety, but as far as a natural mood stabilizer, there wasn’t anything of her experience that definitively aided mood swings.

Cannibis, anyone??

I kept silent.

Seeing that Prop 2 was a close but no hit in last week’s election, the consideration for marijuana as a medical treatment is naught in Florida, at least for the time being. But 56% is damn close to 60%, so I’m not losing hope. There’s way too many people like me out there who do benefit from proper dosage, and I feel I could qualify.

No talking about that in here, I reminded myself.

The psych got excited about Geodon, a fairly new psychotropic which wasn’t part of the family of drugs I was previously on. “It’s new for you. It’s different from the other medications, and, starting you at a pre-therapeutic dosage, it might be a better fit for your chemical makeup.”

“Different is good. Different is encouraging.”

“Yes, we should try that. Very low dose, and we’ll slowly get you up there. It comes in generic as well…”

“Great! Generic is good…”

She pulls out a Rx list to confirm my pharmacy participates in the generic distribution, and it does! We’re both happy. But then she goes back to her computer screen, “Oh, that’s right. You don’t have health insurance.”

“Yup. There’s that.”

She shakes her head. “The generic version hasn’t been in the market long enough to qualify for < > program.”

“Ah.”

“Yes, it’s too expensive on it’s own.”

“Back to square one.”

I sink back in my chair, just spent with the revolving horseshit. Your condition, if not treated, will get you locked up. We have a treatment plan that will avoid you getting locked up. You don’t have the means to pay for the treatment plan that will avoid you getting locked up. But if you get locked up, you’ll be immediately treated with this plan.

Asinine.

It’s a game of chemical click-clack. Roll the psychotropic dice, see which combinations land. Me? Been hitting snake eyes roll after roll after roll. With the holidays coming up, I really am ambivalent about being able to keep it together in social settings without some sort of assist. Sure, I can go see my weed guy, but then I’m rendered useless in a hazy stupor because DUH! no one’s testing the weed strains before they enter the market.

Sheesh.

Finally, I confess to my psychiatrist, with a preface of, ‘please don’t judge me as irresponsible,’ I ingested Valium while I was at a festival in Tulsa, Oklahoma and I felt okay, as in, level. Balanced. Unfazed by the strangers around me, even receptive to interacting with them positively.

She didn’t judge me, nor did she admonish me for taking a controlled substance she didn’t prescribe. However, it opened our discussion to the chemical dopamine, and how she senses for me, my particular imbalance comes from a disproportionate distribution of dopamine in and out of the cell membrane. And so, she considered oxcarbazepine, the generic form of Trileptal, and started me on a low dose. She sent the script to my pharmacy with a click of her mouse, then excused herself to visit the printer in the other office.

I sighed antipathy, sensing I’m about to enter once more into a psychotropic tail spin on this different-from-the-others drug.

She handed me my follow-up appointment sheet, and a handwritten prescription.

For diazapam.