To win your upcoming Ugly Christmas Sweater Contest, you’ll need minor sewing skills, an eye for the gaudy, and a few days to assemble a psychosomatic episode in cloth form.
Start with, the sweater:
This flinch-inducer was discovered at my friend Irene’s thrift shop. To be certain, I had a run-off with some other candidates but this one was the most “EGAD!” of all.
The next thing you’ll want to do is hyper-accentuate an item of the sweater. In my case, I saw all these jingle ball details, so I invested in a box full of jingle bells:
The larger, the noisier, but then I want to consider not driving myself crazy while wearing it!
To add a “WTF?!?!” factor, I found utility in these two Peruvian finger puppets, gifts from my dear friend Alex upon her return from teaching in Lima:
Let’s go ahead and create a creepy backstory for these two. One sunny day up on Machu Picchu, Celia (left) and Chiquita (right) were steadily packing up their wares, ready to head back down the mountain to their humble home in the adjoining city. The next sensation they shared was the taste of pennies in their mouths and a burning sensation in their nostrils. They looked about and found themselves nowhere near their tourist store front, but instead, chained at the waist to columns supporting a bleak, rickety house. The only response to their calls of “ayudame!” was their echoes…
And now, we sew:
Basic single stitch, feeding double cord, approximately 1/4 inch loop. If you don’t know how to sew, look up a video on YouTube, cuz I ain’t got that kind of time!
We affix Celia and Chiquita to their outdoor prison:
And here’s the final nightmare:
Already we have a winner, right? But remember folks, these contests are won with popular vote, so you need to throw in a little suh-um-suh-um to win over the fickle! Here’s what I’m adding:
Because there’s gotta be a little naughty, a little nice, or there’s no point to Santa Claus.
For the younguns in attendance, who don’t comprehend why Mommy is spelling S-L-U-T towards her friends:
The Archives of Von Simeon 
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