Stinging Caterpillars Can’t Hold Me Down

Like my divine counterpart, I too, rested on Sunday. Slept in, played with the dogs, had a full brunch, saw my Johnny, took a long nap. Went back to work on I Blew Up Juarez revisions, crankin’ up the Norteño to inspire a hilarious exchange in a Zaragoza neighborhood.

Spent the evening Skyping with my favorite person in Peru, Alex C., when I received a text message from Gina. She needed to be picked up from work at 11pm. Sure, I’m your girl! So, in my best hobo couture – flannel jimmy jam pants, large Pluckers T-shirt, hair in two high pigtails – I got into my car, headed over to the resort she works at.

Now, I never, ever, nevereverever open my moonroof, but for some odd ass reason, in that moment, I did. The night was cool, the air steady, so I thought nothing of it.

Then I got to the light, tapped my brakes, and I felt something tumble onto my lap. I’m thinking, leaf or other debris from my car being stationary all day. I lower my hand to my lap, and I immediately jerk it back up upon brushing against something SPINY. I tapped the overhead lamp, and was mortified at the sight of a HUGE, green creature on my thigh. Traffic was starting to move again, so I tried to lift it off me. Its spines embedded in my flannel pants, and I could feel them touching my thigh. Ow, ow ow! Still driving, still trying to keep my tires between the white lines.

Maintaining focus as spines dug into me and my right hand intesified in pain, I used whatever good fingers were left to reach to my glove compartment and find something, anything to grab this thing with, finding a plastic bag for sunglasses. I lifted it off my lap and threw it against the passenger door. My thigh jumping, my fingers seizing, and all I can think of is, make sure to find that thing before Gina sits down.

A one handed drive down Beach Boulevard got me to the parking lot, and, thankfully, she hadn’t made it to the door yet. I jumped out of my car and did the Creepy Crawley Dance on the asphalt, then recuperated to search for the demon.

Long, fat, spiny, lush green caterpillar. The beast was beautiful. I admonished him. “I don’t know what I did, or who sent you to me, but I WILL NOT KILL YOU. That is my task, right now. I shall prove I will not stoop to your demonaic ways. I had a GREAT day today. I have the majesty of positivity in my favor. You will not ruin this for me, creature!” I scooped him up using a piece of cloth with my working hand and carried him over to the nearby landscaping. “I know what this is, you’re testing me. You’re an evil reincarnation. You want me to destroy you. You want me to absorb your krodha and ruin the beauty that is my existence. FUCK YOU, DEMONSPAWN!!”

And with that, I gently eased the creature onto a small palm tree, breathed deep to keep the bad juju from conjuring up, and thought pleasant thoughts until Gina arrived. I told her about my ordeal, and she felt terrible. But once I got to our office/her house, washed my hand in antibacterial soap, and messaged my fingers until I felt no lumps, all was right in the world.

This is what the evil thing did to my thigh, and before you snark away, I shave my legs every other Tuesday. I went to the Innernetz, and found this very helpful description of what occured:

This is how committed to my craft I am…I thought if I couldn’t type today due to the reaction, I’d download voice-recognition software to continue working on my revisions and my NaNoWriMo entries. Gangsta, right?

I just completed 2,076 for NaNo and will finish out the Juarez attack scene I started last night. And to that evil little caterpillar: you’re an asshole.