Category Archives: Uncategorized

Wherever I May Roam

 

 

Yes folks, this is happening. I’m hittin’ the road starting this week!

Where to Von? I honestly don’t know. I’ve got gas, I’ve got maps, I’ve got information and communication technologies, and I have a badge-wearing wingman to help drive and navigate.

Why are you doing this Von? Life-wise, I need some sparkly fresh brand new so I can feel the wow again. Creatively speaking, my writing is uninspired largely because I’ve deprived myself of Befindlichkeit, which is a big pretty German word for self-discovery. Discovery is tangible – what you experience with your senses within current time/space – but self-discovery requires a more metaphysical…event, let’s put it. I’m gonna position myself in physical places I’ve never been before, connect cosmically with what or whoever has a cosmic charge, and throw myself into uncertainty, allowing reactions to happen in whichever plane of existence that happens.

And no, I am not using any drug, natural or manufactured, in order to encourage these events forward. Clean and sober and open-minded. That’s how this is going down!

I will regularly post to this blog, at least to let you know I haven’t been slaughtered. Since I’ll be working off of WordPress for Android, my posts might be more Instagrammy than verbose; I’m sure you’ll understand. :)

I will tell you I’m not doing the Atlantic seaboard or New England; I’ve done that drive four times in the past ten years. Something fresh and new means in the guts of Merica! Maybe even up to oohhhhh Caaaannaaaddaaaahhhhhhh

This is Von Simeon, signing off, and leaving you with a sweet song to remember me by…

 

Summer Book Giveaway! Enter by July 19th to WIN

Here’s my not-so-desperate attempt to get you to like me!

Courtesy of Goodreads.com, I’m giving away two signed paperback copies of I Blew Up Juarez, my debut novel. Details are all on the Book Page

Enter the giveaway here: https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/enter_choose_address/97322-i-blew-up-juarez

Big sloppy kiss to the winners!!!

If You’ve Got 5 Minutes, Could You Please Judge Me?

You know how you look at a thing too long you don’t know if you’re done? I’ve updated two of my Pages, “All About Von” and “Make Contact”.  Well if you could just dance through those, offer edits where necessary, so I can stop looking at this, I’d really appreciate it!

Going to walk away and shower while you do that. Maybe eat lunch. Yeah, lunch…

I Missed Ya, Baby!!

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So, while I was on WordPress hiatus, I:

    1. Skinned my knee falling off the wagon

    2. John Connor’ed my nephew

    3. Violated my personal code of conduct and accepted a date…WITH A COP.

    4. Received a growl from Bobby on his 5th born day

    5. Forced a 1st grader to do math (related to #4)

    6. Blew up eBay

    7. Made like Mowgli and returned to my “people”

    8. Decided to celebrate Christmas in July, Jack Kerouac style

    9. Mastered the Nooky and fell in love with Scrivener a la HER

    10. Went vegan for a vampire story!

Tell me via Comments which one you want me to elaborate on, and I’ll feature it in these week’s posts. For my new followers gained during the break, ♥THANK YOU♥ and enjoy these bears!

Stranger Than Fiction

[NOTE: Every one of these shorts is inspired by actual events, but are all fiction works.]

You Don’t Have AIDS

 washateria

Bill The Self-Congratulating (Non) Dom

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That New Schlong Feel

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Remembering Bear

[NOTE: Forgive any typos. I've been bawling my ass off putting this together.]

Bear was born on May 28, 1998 in Dallas, Texas, the son of an AKC champion American Cocker Spaniel. Larger than regulation, Bear was given as a companion to the champion’s owner’s father. Over time, the senior member of the family succumbed to Alzheimer’s disease, and the family, unable to keep up with his obligations, sent Bear to the Cocker Spaniel Rescue Society of Austin. His age, along with his obesity due to overfeeding, made it difficult to get Bear adopted. He also refused to come out of his kennel on show days, so the volunteers concentrated on their other rescue dogs.

On January 2003, Bear discovered his future companion at a Rescue Society adoption day.  That fateful afternoon, Bear left his kennel and approached a small, chubby woman sitting on the floor, sniffed her hands and leaned his head on her lap. The volunteers, amid gasps of bewilderment, signed her up for a home inspection and a background check. Clearing both, Bear came to live with Ivonne and earned the additional name, Cleophus, “the wise.”

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Upper left: The feud between Bear and Smokie was akin to the Hatfields and McCoys Upper right: Bear me and Andrea at the University of Tampa Bottom left: The apartment we lived in before the 2004 Hurricane season damaged the place Bottom right: Bear trotting in front of Texas State Alumni Association House (undergrad alma mater)

A month later, Bear traveled to Florida to start a new life in North Tampa. He excelled in strutting, playing adorable, and begging for food. Bear was not a dog at all, but a very vain small humanoid trapped in a canine body. He was an excellent party host, and an aficionado of wines, reds in particular, and was no stranger to vodka. Bear Cleophus also enjoyed the occasional weed “shotty” up the snout, making him giddy and goofy to the entertainment of all.

Bear did have his doggie duties. His expertise was in scrutinizing male suitors as they entered the home. If he liked the man, Bear would play with him. If he didn’t, he’d create a ring of judgement by neatly laying biled excrement in a perfect circle on the floor, ideally near the failed man’s property.

He was a master of deception, owning a loud, guttural bark for a medium-sized dog, and used it to keep the unwanted at bay.

Another of Bear’s duties was playing the proverbial sidekick, the Tonto to Ivonne’s Lone Ranger. In 2004, Bear traveled from Tampa to Long Island, New York in the back of a Honda CRV to keep his familiar company on her first Atlantic Coast drive. Noticing she had stopped at the Chesapeake Bay Bridge-Tunnel, scared witless to proceed forward, Bear Cleophus climbed to the front of the SUV, sat in the passenger seat facing forward, and told her, “You got this.” He encouraged her to crank up the volume on the album “The Wall” by Pink Floyd, and sat with her as she went under and above the water. From that moment on, Bear always rode shotgun.

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Top: How strung out I was after driving 9 states. Bear? Ready to party! Middle: weirdest obsession of his was the lime juice squeeze bottles Bottom: being goofy in the U-Haul. Yep, that’s me driving!

Bear Cleophus was also an academic. He attended Penn State University with his companion from 2006 to 2008. Ever the vainglorious daemon, Bear would pick up hot chicks and dudes as Ivonne studied on the steps of Old Main. Bear spent countless hours in the AERS lab as his companion entered sheets upon sheets of primary-sourced data for her thesis. He had his own cushion by her office desk in 311 Armsby, and became a de facto mascot, boosting morale for all the economists, demographers, and community builders in the program. Upon graduation day, Bear Cleophus received a silver dog tag with a lion paw and the school’s name emblazoned across, making him Bear Cleophus, Master of Science.

As evidenced, Bear and Ivonne were inseparable. There was only one moment in time they were not allowed together. For eight agonizing months, the demonstrably fickle ex-husband refused to let Bear live with his “mother,” and it took mediation and separation of assets to allow Bear into her custody. Soon after the divorce was finalized, Bear returned with his companion to Florida, this time, to Saint Petersburg, to turn a story idea about a mercenary with superhuman powers into a novel.

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Upper left: NOT a fan of baths Upper right: Striking a pose at my alma mater Below: Nifty B&W pic in the Tampa condo; he looks like one of the sand people!

Bear Cleophus aged seemingly overnight, losing his vision and hearing rapidly, and in response, Roberto Tiberius was brought to Saint Petersburg in 2012 to fill in on guard duties. Bear’s final road trip was to Tarpon Springs in January 2013 to experience the Epiphany tradition of diving for the cross. Bear held Death at bay, wanting to ensure the manuscript was delivered to the publisher, wanting to celebrate one more birthday.  Blind, deaf, weak-limbed, exhausting cold air, his companion had to tell him, “Whatever you’re holding onto, it’s okay to let go. I’m going to miss you. I’m going to be fine.” The next day, May 9th, 2013, a beautiful sunny afternoon, Bear Cleophus let go.

Bear’s contribution to this existence is immortalized in Ivonne’s novel, “Dedicated to Bear Cleophus Espada (May 1998 – May 2013), the little black dog who told me to write this story.”

How the Internet Began:

Von Simeon:

This is so wonderfully done, had to reblog…

Originally posted on With A Heart Of A Warrior..........:

How the Internet Began:
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In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why does’t thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou can’t trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
~~~

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums…

View original 307 more words

Han-yaa-say-ohh!

Von Simeon:

Today is Johnny Roth’s birthday, my friend, my unrequited love, my favorite guitarist. Check out his amazing style at johnnyroth.com or listen to his station on Pandora. In honor of our birth pairing (mine is tomorrow) here’s a post featuring the guitar man and me, torturing him, as per usual. :)

Originally posted on Von Simeon:

Sitting here at T and Me Tea Company in Gulfport,  biding time until the open mic at Mangia Gourmet starts at 7:30.  What a perfect occasion to put in some NaBloPoMo time.
Checked my stats, the WordPress tutorial was right about being obsessed with it, and I’ve had some views from South Korea. Which explains my phonetic title. ;-) Fun facts: my brother is married to a Korean woman. My nieces and nephew are delightfully insane. My sorority daughter is an American of Korean heritage. And I can eat the mess outta some Korean food!

20131012_214202 Sat here with Johnny the blues guitarist and I said, “You know what the most perfect song is?”
“No.”
“Kenny Rogers. Lady.”
He made a face. “I don’t know the song.”
“Yeah you do. Laady…I’m your knight in shining armour…and I love youuu…”
Still with the face.
I continue, “You have made me what…

View original 279 more words

Tales From The Notepad

April is National Poetry Month and I did jack doo doo about it. So, in a scramble to pull together an ode to poetry today, I scrolled to my Notepad app on my GS3, only to find I hadn’t reinstalled it since the hard reset. Found it online, logged into my old account, and pulled up a bountiful treasure of entries between summer 2012 and early 2013. Not just poetry but notes, observations, ontological discourses, and one-liners so good I had to jot them down. Every writer should do this, be it digipad or physical notepad. You never know when you’ll come across literary GOLD.

Found some poems!

Here’s some great quotes:

What you may call “eavesdropping” I call “intelligence gathering”! Some jewels I overheard, and a freestyle I did as I was ‘intelligence gathering’ two guys talking near me:

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And then of course, shit gets deep. I call this section, “The Philosophy of Von.” See if you abide by any of these Vonisms…

The Sick Critic Awards

I’ve broken a record, folks. This is the longest I’ve gone (six days as of this composition) without being able to hold anything in:

 

 

But ya gotta make the most of these events, right? After all, that’s why they invented Xbox.

Since the room closest to the toilet is the living room, I thought it best to convert my couch to a recovery raft, pillows everywhere, the TV tray stationed at the end of the chaise, so I can optimize my ill state. The less movement, the less yakking. Some gems as I lay in repose:

 

Best TV Show About An Irish Family

This you can find on Hulu.com. I already had been hooked with Season 1, and it seemed the little baby Jesus thought it fit to deliver all of Season 2 the same week I go under. Stars Chris O’Dowd, who pretty much epitomizes the kind of guy I’m into: tall, handsome, hilariously goofy and not American! Everyone cast in this show is delightfully insane.

 

Best Documentary About Fucking and Dying

I always thought it a bit suspect that syphilis was supposedly brought from the Americas to plague Europe. Here, we find a couple of congenital syphilitic twins in the mass grave that is Pompeii, which, if proven true, then that means syphilis was indeed the WHITE MAN’S DISEASE. Reparations!

 

Best Animated Performance Involving A Butterfly

I don’t know where I was when The Venture Brothers originally came out – I do remember watching Robot Chicken quite religiously – but I’m so glad I discovered this cartoon. With the Season 2 opener using Rozalla’s “Everybody’s Free (To Feel Good)” I’m a convert. A fuckin’ FAN.

 

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