Category Archives: Shit I Agree With

It’s Not Official Until It’s On Facebook


Score One For Humanity

walmartI sent this e-letter to Walmart Corporate Relations last week; I heard from the company the VERY next day…


Imagine what it feels like to be driving, alone, after midnight in unfamiliar territory, when suddenly your GPS navigation system gives out, and the lamps inside your truck stop working. This happened to me during the wee hours of Thursday, July 24 just a few weeks ago.
The Girl Scout in me knew she needed a map, but she also knew we didn’t own one. All I knew was that I was in Georgia, alone, directionally blind in the middle of the night.
A familiar beacon, a striation of sunny yellow beams extending from a blue background and the words, “Wal-Mart.”
If ever a woman could get completely exasperated from excitement merely by reading a lit sign, it would be in the way I reacted.
Pulled in to Store #5797 and noticed first how bright and clean it was for stock hours. The design of this store is different from what I have back home, so I must’ve looked very turned around when a lovely associate stopped shelving and asked if I needed help. I asked for an atlas, and so he came up to Maranda, who, mind you, had recently lost her voice, eagerly directed me towards the atlas I own now.
Not content to leave me looking at the atlas, Maranda asked me where I was headed, and, still nervewrecked I responded, “I don’t even know where I am!”
With the sweetest delivery, she pronounced, “You’re in Albany, Georgia,” to which I sighed relief. At least I was still heading the correct direction.
Maranda called over KT, who used to frequently travel to Memphis and Little Rock. As my stop was Memphis, he showed me on the atlas which roads to take, as well as how much time it should take me to get there. Relieved, grateful, confident on my path, I bid them farewell and told them I’d write a letter to express my sincere gratitude. Of course, they said it wasn’t necessary.
Obviously, I was compelled to share my story. I appreciate Maranda and KT going the extra mile to help me find the product I needed and get me safely on the road. My navigation system eventually resolved itself, but it’s good to know this cherished atlas is in my truck with me.
Still on the road; might visit Store #5797 for snacks!
Please freely use my expression of gratitude, as long as KT and Maranda are mentioned.
With greatest appreciation,
Von Simeon

Author, I Blew Up Juarez

Wherever I May Roam



Yes folks, this is happening. I’m hittin’ the road starting this week!

Where to Von? I honestly don’t know. I’ve got gas, I’ve got maps, I’ve got information and communication technologies, and I have a badge-wearing wingman to help drive and navigate.

Why are you doing this Von? Life-wise, I need some sparkly fresh brand new so I can feel the wow again. Creatively speaking, my writing is uninspired largely because I’ve deprived myself of Befindlichkeit, which is a big pretty German word for self-discovery. Discovery is tangible – what you experience with your senses within current time/space – but self-discovery requires a more metaphysical…event, let’s put it. I’m gonna position myself in physical places I’ve never been before, connect cosmically with what or whoever has a cosmic charge, and throw myself into uncertainty, allowing reactions to happen in whichever plane of existence that happens.

And no, I am not using any drug, natural or manufactured, in order to encourage these events forward. Clean and sober and open-minded. That’s how this is going down!

I will regularly post to this blog, at least to let you know I haven’t been slaughtered. Since I’ll be working off of WordPress for Android, my posts might be more Instagrammy than verbose; I’m sure you’ll understand. :)

I will tell you I’m not doing the Atlantic seaboard or New England; I’ve done that drive four times in the past ten years. Something fresh and new means in the guts of Merica! Maybe even up to oohhhhh Caaaannaaaddaaaahhhhhhh

This is Von Simeon, signing off, and leaving you with a sweet song to remember me by…


Smile Today


Germany Wins Group! (or) Why You Mad, Bro?

USA v Germany: Group G Showdown


That face says, “Who did you think I was going for??” Ha ha

Don’t worry…I’ll throw on some red white n blue too…

The Case For Supporting [adjective] Authors

Growing up, it was simple: “Are you American?”

If you weren’t American, the next question was, “What are you doing on our base?” If we didn’t like your rationale, we took our American liberty to whoop your ass.


If you were American, the next question was, “What base you from?” To which, you’d want to offer a city we liked, else we whooped your ass.

See? Simple living.

I didn’t grow up with the tendency to cubby-hole all the social interactions I have, like insular Americans (what I call Americans who have ONLY lived in the United States) put in full practice in their modern living. The working vernacular is “marginalization.” That’s defining your comfort with a person based on how they appear, what color they are shaded, how they smell, and which socially acceptable attributes they display.

Because it is not natural for me to pronounce my race/sex/ethnicity/nationality/sexuality/etceteraetcetera, I don’t do it with my art. You don’t see emblazoned across my website banner VON SIMEON – ULTRA-BLACKTINO NON-NATIVE WOMAN WITH SEXUAL TENDENCIES YOUR PARENTS DISAPPROVE OF… I mean, honestly, that’d be a busy header! Instead, I go with Plato, Socrates, and Cato: Von Simeon – what I do, thus what I am/who am I to others without intention/where my mind is when affected by society. Nice ‘n’ Neat.

I promised myself when I released my novel, I would not campaign with an adjective before the word ‘author.’ I am merely that – the author of my book. The last two months I did decent with general sales but absymal in representing my work without getting forced into a social cubby-hole. I received derogatory statements regarding my sex, my race, my ethnicity, and those statements then erroneously defined the quality of my book.

Bookstore owners demonstrated the same abject marginalization. There was an opportunity for I Blew Up Juarez to be featured in one of Tampa Bay’s [adjective] bookstores. According to the bookstore owner, she is well connected in her sub-population and felt her endorsement for my work would be a step up in the [adjective] reading community. A bystander to our convo in her store looked me straight in the face and pronounced, “We need to support all [adjective] authors”, then provided a heavy nod to indicate insistence, or maybe because he summitted that soapbox too quickly? To which I blinked my large brown eyes to him and replied, “Thank you for that, I have copies in my car, would you like to purchase one?” The bookstore owner looked at him, and he said, “I wasn’t prepared to purchase a book today.” Ah. Yet you’re in a bookstore…for…?

Like so many other [adjectives], everyone’s ready to politick about what should be done, but no one necessarily wants to be the one to take action. I retrieved my review copy of I Blew Up Juarez from her last week; I didn’t care to play to grandstanding, even if they are my “people.”

Don’t get me wrong, there are some hilarious moments. I gave you some negative examples, but my common exchanges are mellow; if anything, people tend to react much like Brian does at the dinner table:

All I can do is laugh, because otherwise I’d go on a killing spree. :D




Christmas in June


Mommy and Sissy put together a care package full of treats! Time to put my Asiatic culinary skills to work. Yum!

If You’ve Got 5 Minutes, Could You Please Judge Me?

You know how you look at a thing too long you don’t know if you’re done? I’ve updated two of my Pages, “All About Von” and “Make Contact”.  Well if you could just dance through those, offer edits where necessary, so I can stop looking at this, I’d really appreciate it!

Going to walk away and shower while you do that. Maybe eat lunch. Yeah, lunch…

Stranger Than Fiction

[NOTE: Every one of these shorts is inspired by actual events, but are all fiction works.]

You Don’t Have AIDS


Bill The Self-Congratulating (Non) Dom



That New Schlong Feel




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